Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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