I cannot find my penis.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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