I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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