she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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