Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
