eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
