My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
