it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
