My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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