nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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