I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
