I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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