I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
did i just pee glitter
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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