i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
