Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
