the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
