omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
