I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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