i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
