The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
