Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't put those talents on a resume
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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