and next time when you feel me up, do it right
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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