moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
