we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
