Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
