Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
