I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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