I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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