Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm getting married
To pizza
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
