never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
