I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
