I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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