we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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