once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
