Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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