This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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