You really coming over, don't trick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize