what day is it and did you see me today?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
