I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
