He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
