and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
