I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
