I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
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