shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
false alarm, still single
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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