you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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