I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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