You work out of a Hotel?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
