I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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