She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
