Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
