can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
