Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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