Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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