I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
