girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
