hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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