What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
