"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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