Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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