today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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