Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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