Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize