i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
